I have a calendar with a different inspirational quote for each day. The one for today struck me and I figured I’d write a blog post about it.
“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”
-Timothy Ferris
Let’s face it, as leaders, our job descriptions rarely mention “master of awkward conversations.” Yet, here we are. I mean, anytime you deal with people, there may come a time when a conversation needs to be had – and it’s not always going to be pleasant. Consider this: uncomfortable conversations are not the enemy, they’re the key to unlocking growth, both personally and professionally.
Have you ever avoided addressing a team member’s performance issues only to have it lead to resentment from other team members and subpar results? Or tiptoed around a toxic dynamic in your family, hoping it’ll magically disappear? Yeah, me neither. (Okay, maybe once or twice…who is counting!)
The truth is, shirking these tough talks does more harm than good. It breeds resentment, hinders progress, and ultimately, erodes trust. So, let’s dive into why uncomfortable conversations can be a leader’s secret weapon.
Why Embrace the Awkward?
- Clarity conquers confusion: Imagine your team member is consistently missing deadlines. Sweeping it under the rug creates confusion and frustration. An uncomfortable conversation, though initially tense, clarifies expectations and paves the way for improvement.
- Growth arises through discomfort: Let’s be honest, comfort zones are comfy, but rarely conducive to growth. Addressing a personal conflict with a friend, while initially awkward, can strengthen the bond and deepen understanding. Stepping outside your comfort zone, even in conversation, fosters personal and professional development.
- Trust thrives on honesty: Building trust requires transparency and authenticity. Avoiding difficult conversations sends the opposite message, eroding trust and creating a culture of fear and silence. Addressing issues head-on, even when uncomfortable, demonstrates integrity and fosters trust within your team or family.
From Theory to Reality: Uncomfortable Conversations in Action
I would never claim to be an expert in these types of conversations but I can tell you that I have had my fair share. I recall being in a cohort of adults in a class. There were two people who were not pulling their weight with the assignments. They would not come to team meetings or contribute to the work but they benefitted from whatever grade we got as a group. I expressed my concern to the rest of the group and insisted that we address the problem. The group was against it for fear of causing conflict and I was called “confrontational” for pushing the subject. This offended me initially because to confront someone has a bad connotation; however, I was not going to silently sit back for another assignment and let these guys just float through on our backs. This was supposed to be a self-managed team and we were to try to address our own problems before escalating to an instructor or administrator. I had a face-to-face conversation with both team members and expressed how their non-participation was impacting the morale of the team and that it was not fair. I reminded them of their commitment to the group and our responsibility to complete work as a team. I listened to them and was empathetic to their situations. We ended the conversation with their promise to be more involved and more communicative with the team when they had a conflict. This discussion ultimately led to one of them improving his participation and the other being removed from the team.
I was not happy to have to be the one to have that conversation, nor was I happy to go against the wishes of my team to address the behavior. I felt it was the right thing to do to protect the principles of the team (and my sanity) and ultimately, the team thanked me for being a leader in other situations throughout the course where I took an unpopular stance.
How does one have these uncomfortable conversations? Well, it varies based on the situation. You always want to do it with a clear head though. Here are a couple of scenarios that might help:
Scenario 1: Performance Review Blues
You’ve noticed Kendra, a bright and motivated team member, struggling lately. Deadlines are missed, and her usual spark seems dimmed. Ignoring it feels wrong, but addressing it feels nosey, invasive …well, uncomfortable.
Action: Schedule a one-on-one meeting. Express your concern in a caring and direct manner. Focus on specific observations and offer support, not judgment. Actively listen to her perspective and work together to create a plan for improvement.
This conversation might be awkward, but it demonstrates your investment in Kendra’s well-being and success and strengthens your working relationship.
Scenario 2: Family Feud
Your brother’s constant negativity is bringing down the holiday cheer. Avoiding it keeps the peace, but at what cost? After every comment from him, the eyes in the room start rolling around like marbles and you can feel the mood shifting.
Action: Choose a calm moment and initiate a heart-to-heart. Acknowledge their feelings but express your own discomfort with the negativity. Offer suggestions for positive change and emphasize your desire for a strong relationship.
Remember: This conversation might be tense, but it opens the door to healing and strengthens your familial bond. (or causes a big fight – families can be so messy! I’m really more concerned about your professional life in this post.)
Now, I’m not saying these things will work every time but take it as inspiration of how to approach those conversations you’d like to avoid. More often than not, there is relief and a stronger bond on the other side.
As a side note, humor can be your saving grace! A well-placed joke can ease tension and create a more open environment for the conversation. Just remember, timing is key – avoid jokes that could be misconstrued as insensitive. (Like the one I made two paragraphs back.)
You Can Do This
Embracing uncomfortable conversations isn’t about seeking conflict, it’s about fostering growth, trust, and respect. It’s about integrity. Don’t shrink behind fear. Remember, you’re not alone in this. Every leader faces these moments. By approaching them with empathy, directness, and a dash of humor, you can not only navigate the awkwardness but also unlock positive change and build stronger relationships, both personally and professionally.
When is the last time you had an uncomfortable conversation? How did it go? What lessons were learned?
